(( 'This is my life' ))

Monday, January 25, 2010 1/25/2010 07:27:00 PM

Alone in the library.

K, not really alone, since there are so many people in the library. But knowing that none of them are people I know sucks.

Kinda.

I'm turning 21 this Sunday.

No matter how I try to forget about it, I can't.

I'm growing old. I'm gonna be responsible for myself, and people around me are growing up too.

People are starting to get together, only because they are afraid of loneliness.

And when you think you have someone already, the worst deal is to break up and realise that now you completely have no friends left.

Like my mom.

I can't imagine myself liking someone.

Cause I don't even know how to love myself.

And now I'm wasting time emo-ing over these kinda thing.

Retarded.

p.s. Know what? I realised I don't have a single friend to spend my 21st birthday with me.

Great.

Sunday, December 27, 2009 12/27/2009 03:10:00 PM

I never really thought that photos meant anything, and I don't really enjoy taking photos.

The fact is that I'm not photogenic, and normally I end up feeling stupid when I look at the photos with me inside.

Was clearing out my cupboard just now, deciding which to donate, which to throw and which to keep.

And when I got to the photos that's been hiding in the top level of the cupboard, collecting dust, I started crying.

One thing I realised, I didn't really look that bad as I thought I did.

And the other thing? These photos are the only things I have left to remind me that I have been there once, before, in my life.

When I look at my family photos, I miss the happy times that we used to have.

Now, at home, even though we are a complete family in most ways that others may envy, but I exchange less than 10 sentences with my dad in a day.

I only see my brother for less than an hour a day.

And I only hear from my sis via email, and, once in a blue moon, on the phone.

The only one I have left, that I am still in touch with at home, is my mother, and even that, I realised I didn't protect the relationship well.

When have things turned out like this?

Is it because I've grown up?

Then I would rather be the innocent idiot that I was in the past.

When did we start talking in dollars and financial terms that I never heard of before?

I don't know.

But I just, really really, for once, want to go back to the past, when our lives were simpler, when everyone was still living in the same roof, and everyone was still dependent on our parents.

And suddenly, I wish that I was never born.

Thursday, October 15, 2009 10/15/2009 12:42:00 AM

wanna say i'm damn tired. But reason is, i don't know why?? haha.

In a better mood than this afternoon. Feels abit like mood swing, but it felt much better after classes ended...

Especially after I was told that it's not my job to do certain things. Doesn't sound nice, but felt good.

HAHA.

Shall go chiong projects now.

Wednesday, October 14, 2009 10/14/2009 01:31:00 PM

feeling very low right now... spent yesterday night crying over something that was long gone.

I realised that no matter how long things have been, and no matter how hard i seem to have forgotten things, it still exist, and it already took place.

all that's left is tears and pain.

haha. emo.

I hate the fact that ppl want me to look happy and not look so stressed and angsty when I AM feeling stressed and angsty.

it's my face. it's my emotion. don't I have the right to show it? it's not like i'm picking up a fight with you guys. I'm just sitting at one corner doing my own stuff.

and everyone's telling me the same thing.

wtf.

Sunday, October 11, 2009 10/11/2009 12:53:00 AM

对自己彻底的失望，对自己的无礼感到失望，对自己的无助感到失望，也对自己的坏脾气感到失望。更对自己的愚蠢感到失望。

felt really bothered about something the whole of today. and when i finally brought up the courage to apologize (when in the first place it's not much of my fault) i get shot down again.

I'm really tired. Why should i be doing all these? Am I even supposed to help?

Sometimes, I wonder, am I the dominating leading who's just taking control over every little single thing, or is it cause people tend to rely on me to do things and eventually just decide to let me take over?

sigh...

Thursday, October 08, 2009 10/08/2009 01:24:00 AM

这个短假，我决定自私的为自己保留一点时间。原应该趁着假期，多读点书，多做PP09的事，多教点补习。但最终还是决定小憩一下。

went to watch the ugly truth with jon koh, before heading to al ameen for prata. jonahkoh was super nice to send me home tonight, cux i was planning to cab home after all.

these little times of hanging out with friends, no matter how short, makes me feel better. but after that when i get home and am alone, the guilt comes in. "why didn't i make full use of the time?" "why is the work piling up no matter what?" "why didn't i wake up earlier?" "why can't I focus?"

the pulau ubin trip, though short (2D1N), and fun, and relaxing, brought about even more stress than ever. I spent 90% of the time there carefree. 10% of the time i became so stressed by my partner cause it seems like he's just going to thwart everyone's schedule and it's our fault.

then when i reached home, the stress level was the highest I've got so far for PP09. not enough to make me burst like last time, but enough for PP09.

my mind is telling me to go to sleep. my brain is telling me to stay awake and just nua. my conscience is telling me to work hard.

it's tearing me apart man.

Sunday, September 27, 2009 9/27/2009 11:06:00 PM

原来，一直以来，我不过是想要个人陪。

坐在自己的房间里，虽然我房间几乎每个角落都不是空着的，但总觉得房间空荡荡的。突然，好想好想有个人，坐在我旁边。他/她不需要说话。不需要做任何事。只是想有个人陪着我……

I'm not really feeling tired now, but I just don't have the motivation to move and work. It's more like, i'm sick of doing what I have to do.

Over the past few weeks, things haven been hectic. As I told my friend, it's not the workload, it's the travelling. I have to appear at many places all at one time. And i don't know how to split myself into so many different me's,

And over the past few weeks, i tried to forget. But the harder you try, the harder it is to forget. And it all comes back.

Now I realize that all I've done, is take away whatever time I had for myself, and gave it to others.

I'm becoming addicted. I'm becoming a workaholic. Because I'm starting to enjoy torturing myself with workloads and stress.