Above Heaven

改变

2012-02-04T06:38:00.000-08:00

不是现在，而是从以前…

変化はとても素敵な事
だけど　自分を失くすって意味じゃない…

＊＊＊＊＊

又再一次清理了房间一次，翻出了一些旧回忆…
清除的，都是一些旧信件，自…小学时代开始收集的吧？

隔了几年，再次翻阅，看着名字
脑海里，连个影子也没浮现
唯有继续读下去，尝试 “读” 出或是唤醒一些回忆。

第一个，应该是NJCO的事情吧
读着读着，开始质疑他们所认识的，究竟是不是我。
我做过这些事吗？帮过这么多人吗？
很不像现在的我…

第二个，是那本日记
现在，还不想细读
那些尘封的回忆，等过些日子，再去面对吧。

Departure

2012-01-15T12:38:00.000-08:00

Packing, preparatory work, planning, budgeting, explaining... Ended when I stepped out of my house...

Ups and downs in each and every one of it, but at least the start to this trip's been good.

The pleasant surprise from them, spending the last few moments before I end the year in Singapore and spend new year's in Japan with someone important, lifting of the two burdens, and the "me-time" that I now get to enjoy (yep 8 hours in HK). And the lack of noise these days. Thankful for these moments.

All in all, this year's been a really bad year. Guess it has been deteriorating year on year, but I never really tried to understand why. Maybe it's a matter of perspective, maybe things have been getting better, but maybe that's just superficial, and things are just rotting to the core beneath.

Yet I'm still thankful, each and every day, for the chance to meet certain people, and for the time I get to spend with some.

And I hope this coming year, I will not just being thankful in words, but also put in a little more effort in action...

**********

always the right intention, always the wrong actions

Escapism

2012-01-09T08:49:00.000-08:00

9 Jan 2011

很简单的不开心。
需要理由吗？应该不需要吧。
毕竟，理由已经化为背景了。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

可以逃得多远，就逃得多远。

眼神，肢体语言，那无法言喻的感觉，代表着他们的不信任。

眼神，肢体语言，那稍稍不屑的语气，代表着我的戒备心。

好累。

前不久不是还在鼓励我慢慢来吗？

人，还真是矛盾。

唯有那一个小小的四方格子，让我觉得还有一点点的温暖。

但就连这仅存的安全地带，也慢慢冷却了。

**********

What are promises for?

They are never kept.

What does trust mean?

When we say and don't practice.

What are words to you and me?

Nothing. It's just empty talk.

Hate the instances when people say something, or even turn it out as a lie, just to protect that feeble ego of theirs. Or whatever they are trying to protect.

Hate the times when one is down, and the rest either turn a cold shoulder and disacknowledges it, or turn on a sour face to rub in more salt to the wound.

Hate the faces behind money talks. How ugly they seem to be. Concealed by something called love, care and concern. Reality masked with superficiality.

Hate it when people turn their back knowing that someone is hurt.

Hate it when people don't bother to even try to understand. Making certain assumptions just proves that you don't have the right picture in the first place.

Hate that feeling.

**********

I was asked to write about someone who influenced my life significantly.
I spent nearly an hour running through my family life, and none came out in a positive light, so I was certain I shouldn't write about them.

In the end, I chose one name, knowing damn well I'm going to screw up this essay like how I screwed up my Income Tax finals.
Added in a pinch of "salt", and sent it for review.
Was wondering how she would perceive the entire essay, and in the end... someone else understood it better.
I wonder if she noticed how I was mocking her?

**********

枷锁垂落于空中。
一端，系着一颗小彩石。
另一端，没系着什么。只不过是连接到了黑暗的入口。
黑暗里，也没什么好怕的，不过就是很多杂音。大概是链锁发出的声音吧。

街上的路人，走过的，望了小彩石一眼，继续默默地赶往下一个行程。
如果是你，你会怎么做呢？

**********

Nina commented that I'm looking at the trip as though it's another project, not a holiday.
I agreed.

No matter where I go and who I meet, no one seems to be agreeable about the trip.
Did not feel any excitement for the trip even before the planning and bookings began.

Pressure. From them. Complete pressure.
From having to answer and answer and answer repeatedly about things that I myself am not even sure about. From having to look at how they look back. From having to acknowledge that attitude of theirs.

No more hesitation then. Let's just end this.

Pek Cek...

2012-01-08T07:17:00.000-08:00

不想解释。但真的很受不了这种感觉。

我快疯了。

てんごく

2012-01-05T09:17:00.000-08:00

Someday when we actually move out, I think I won't remember anything about this place at all... Except for my bed.

I can't even remember what the pictures hanging on the wall look like, where the chairs in the living room are situated, what my parents' room color is, how tall my brother's wardrobe is, where the utensils are in the kitchen...

Except for a 家不似家的感觉。

Sometimes... I don't understand. We have a complete, really complete family that some of my friends are envious about. There are so many things that other people, even my relatives are envious about. But why do we all feel this way?

Where did the promises and beliefs go? What did the trust and faith dissolve into?

Staying strong is compulsory. Hiding away normal emotions is necessary. Acting as though we don't care has become normal.

It has turned into just about any other place out there.

Struggling to understand don't work. Fighting hard to understand can also backfire.

Everything here has turned into a habit. Every little thing out of line to them is just disturbance. Noise.

Everything about them is just disturbance. Noise. To me.

Yet I know at the end, I can't let go. I can't hold on, yet I can't get go.

Need a little more control... perhaps...

2012-01-03T06:16:00.000-08:00

Just feel like locking myself in my room, do nothing else but read. Away from any noise and disruptions.

*****Edit******

Stuck with that feeling the whole day... Whole of yesterday and today. Struggling to put the right words into the emotions and situation while handling it.

有点哑口无言的感觉…

かぞくの誰もみたくない…

Annoyance? Maybe... I don't know... Really can't describe.

Probably more like pek cek? sigh.. Whatever.

New Year

2011-12-31T19:43:00.001-08:00

A good end to 2011...

Allowing all the accumulated fatigue to set in fully, comfortably, without having to worry about the eyes around me.

A good start to a 2012...

For a while, all the fatigue, stress and issues disappeared when I open my eyes.

All the home-cooked food reminded me of the times, times when I wish I never lost and had held on tighter.

Then reality came crashing back in.

But at least I have the strength to continue forward now. I think?

あの日、あなたとの会話…

2011-12-30T19:46:00.000-08:00

Something still lingers... Briefly remember those instances and times when I was in that state of mind.

Can't go back, which isn't a bad thing.
Don't want to go back, because I don't think I can handle it one more time.

But what's problematic, isn't the one who is in that state of mind, but the people around them...

Somehow I thought I successfully let go of it already.But only until that day did I know how much it still affects me.

When talking about it, unknowingly let out this annoyance and disgust, albeit using the amount of knowledge to cover it...

Undeniably, it's nothing much, because everyone's had those kind of events in their lives somehow or another. But it did affect how I see things and how I thought about things... Even till this day...

**********

I think it's obvious what she wants.
But even she herself denies it, how the hell am I suppose to help her in the first place?

**********

だけどね時々顔もみたくない
暗い憎たらしい日もあるから
もう二度とこの視界へ入らないで
なんて思うとてもあるよ

だからって離れてしまえるわけでもない
結局どんな時も一番そばに居て欲しい…

深く深い…

2011-12-29T09:27:00.000-08:00

累。因为须做的与想做的永远产生着冲突。

但庆幸的是，至少现在的我，多了一份安慰。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

就像是一幕帘，在人与人之间形成一种有色眼镜。

将原本的纯白洁净，染成了似尘埃般的不纯洁。

不喜欢，也不懂得欣赏。甚至带有一点排斥感。

每一幕帘，都有不同质感，颜色，形状。

你的是什么样的呢？

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

放下了。

原来一点都不容易。

需要踏上一条漫长的旅程，加上各种因素与机缘巧合。

还有一份坚定。

但对于他们，不能有相似的旅程，也绝不会有那些机缘巧合。

那，是否也做得到？

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

So superficial...
yet I know I will feel the hurt when I lose it...

But I cannot treasure it.
...
I probably can, but it isn't really a choice anymore.
It's a habit.

**********

I keep questioning myself in the end.
Is it really what I thought it was?
Was it just that simple?
Was it really the ending?

Now I'm not too sure.
But it's not seen as a "problem". More like a "challenge" that I look forward to overcome.

Every turn of the melody...

2011-12-27T08:49:00.000-08:00

I see a different memory...

Maybe some things that can't be described using words, are best described using music then...

**********

Was so tempted to go to the "sanctuary" after dinner tonight... a little escapism...

But I still don't understand why I chose to walk straight instead...straight back into reality...

**********

夜晚不能听《星空》…

forgiveness

2011-12-25T05:25:00.000-08:00

Pride and forgiveness... These two words kept ringing...

放下了，昨天的一番话，令今天的我做了一个决定。

暂时还没后悔，但不知道以后会不会。

**********

Hell lot of things rushing through my mind now... 真的是想太多了。

缓 . 勿躁

2011-12-23T09:22:00.001-08:00

今天，明白了一件事：某些事，是永远急不来的。

**********

The email came in today.

Feeling really irritated, but I can't really voice out anything.

I know I need to answer him, but I just can't be bothered.

I know I have to deal with it, but it states "any work day", so I shall wait till post-holidays.

I just want to do things my way now.

Really can't be bothered to think too much about how he or she will feel.

**********

在这小小的岛屿国家，黑夜白昼分明，而黑夜往往不与白昼较长。

但在这小小的空间里，永远没有白昼。

奋不顾身地，紧紧抓住那仅仅数秒的阳光，亦或是那一瞬即逝的雨后彩虹，

最后只弄得自己遍体鳞伤，再也不敢为下一秒努力。

是在等待那万中一次的奇迹出现，还是天真烂漫的一辈子？

这一切值得吗？

Random

2011-12-22T09:41:00.001-08:00

Today... Indescribable again...

2 things that I was expecting, happened. Neither of them positive. And no matter how hard I tried to not make it happen, I knew it would turn out this way..

But there was also a slight tinge of accomplishment, n satisfaction..

Going back to what is, what should be...

P.S. it's Christmas. But I don't feel anything... No celebration... Nothing ...

凡事沒有絕對

2011-12-21T08:48:00.001-08:00

That same old feeling is back.

And I need to get rid of it...

I know something's wrong because it kept coming back... But im at a loss as to what i should do...

Guess its just company that I need...

*edit* but I shouldn't expect anything...
*edit again* there's nothing to expect from the start, isn't it?

**********

Is it worth it? If it is, then why does it hurt so bad?

If it isn't, why does it still hurt so bad?

**********

☆聞いたい言葉、言える？

2011-12-18T18:43:00.000-08:00

どうして迷って？
自分の決定を信じない？
いいえ、決定じゃない、あたしのかんじた　しんじられない。

なにか　こころのなか　隠した？
まだまだ見えない。

けど、闇を持ている事が　どこかに隠された。
きっと。

2011-12-18T05:09:00.000-08:00

Planning for the Japan trip is...indescribable in the negative way...

Don't know why I feel this way even though I'm SUPPOSED to be happy about it.

But...

Yep...

No feeling... More of negative stuff involved... =.-... Shucks...

可以，不代表想。想，不代表可以。

2011-12-18T02:12:00.000-08:00

今天，音色超亮超好的。但，结果，还是没去上课，因为，没有想唱的冲动。

这两天，好漫长… 长得有点喘不过气…

有好多好多的事需要去做，也有好多好多的事想去做，但力不从心。

似乎，连最简单的事，都可以做错，然后，后知后觉。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

现在，绑着我的，是条粗重的铁链。
翅膀再怎么硬，也飞不了。

一边的羽翼，从没出现过，但似乎，几乎，可能，即将慢慢成长。
另一边的羽翼，早就出现了。
时不时，它会受到伤害，很脆弱，但，所能做的，就是尽全力去保护它。
不是不让它受伤，而是希望它能越来越茁壮地成长…

败了…

2011-12-15T17:26:00.000-08:00

One of the hardest things... is to break the news to someone who didn't want to hear it at all.

All the expectations and belief, ended up in disappointment and guilt.

一大清早，电话就来了。说了，然后笑笑的挂了…

**********

Even when the cold wind blew, no matter how chilly the night was, I didn't feel cold...

And I smiled when went to sleep despite my puffy eyes and blocked nose...

2011-12-14T18:21:00.000-08:00

今天是 kor kor 的生日。一如往常，什么都没做，没准备，也不打算做，不打算准备。

嗯，这就是我们怪胎一家人的理念。够怪的吧。

想太多

2011-12-09T20:47:00.001-08:00

11.12.11

這幾天，真的想太多了...
沒一晚睡得著...

這一個禮拜，
我令一個人感到羞愧
我逼一個人面對現實
我令一個人感到開心
我和一個人做了朋友
我卻幫不到一個人

好漫長的一個星期啊...
但能甜蜜回想，抑或無悔地回想的時刻，卻那麼的短暫...

**********

12.12.11

Things are taking a turn between us. I can feel the awkwardness and strange actions.

No matter how hard I try to force her to face it, nothing's going to change. So... what should I do now?

**********

13.12.2011

灰色的四方盒，不讓你有空間動彈。

出不去。

而牆上的顏色慢慢的，退成了黑色..

**********

14.12.2011

想寫的，想說的，都不能在這裡宣洩...

唯有用最原始的方法...寫.在.書.上...

真不習慣... (T . T)

2011-12-07T19:20:00.001-08:00

Shivering very badly again...
Can barely type properly...

Can't seem to sleep at night these days...
Even when I'm asleep, nightmares haunt.

Can't remember when was the last time I slept peacefully anymore...

And just like the nightmares, the sorry repeats everyday.
It's becoming a routine for me, a habit for them...

**********

So tired...

And I'm bored at work... Beyond bored actually...

喋る

2011-12-05T22:26:00.001-08:00

One

心裡很亂，很麻。

不知道該怎麼想下去了...

**********
Two

Is it only when she feels happier that she acknowledges my presence?

Maybe I'm just a 可有可無...

**********
Three

だけどね時々
顔も見たくないくらい
憎たらしい日もあるから
もう二度とこの視界へ入らないで
なんで思うとてもあるの

だからって離れてしまえるわけでもない
結局どんな時も一番側にいって欲しい
- Microphone

I finally understand what this means...
Used to think I understood how it feels like, but now it's stronger than ever.

**********
Four

Certain things, once changed, can never be reversed...

It's not a bank transaction.

No matter how small the change may be, it leaves an imprint that cannot be removed... forever.

**********
Five

My voice is back... Finally.

But I lost the power, and the will.

今のこんな時代を受け止められるだろう？

2011-12-05T19:44:00.001-08:00

Spent days penning this post, and I am still not sure if what I'm writing exactly depicts what's going on... After all, the battle's still going on.

**********

Spoke to her that day, and forced her to face things.

Always escaping is not the way... at least not for all things...

Everytime I made a point, she shook her head, desperate to deny everything, and tried so hard to fix out an excuse and push the blame onto others.

I won the reasoning, but I lost the battle.

These few days have been plain awkward. Feels like we're "trying too hard".

I just want to disappear for a while... and don't come back...

**********

He came back from HK yesterday, and said "他还在发神经啊？"

Even someone who isn't around all the time, who just came back for less than an hour, knew.

No wonder none of us want to be around.

Though I don't understand why she chose to do it the other way round.

Maybe it's so called, 夫妇. Which makes me doubt... really? there's such a thing?

Looking at them over the years... I have no faith in whatever's coming my way in future.

A hand to hold... A heart to believe in...

2011-12-02T10:25:00.001-08:00

Did some things, calmed things down, and swept everything under the carpet just as she always hoped.

又到了这个时节，完全不想出门的时候。
原因很简单，就是不想交代。

但同样的，也根本不想待在家里。
原因很简单，就是烦。

开始明白越来越多的往事，也同时不再明白现在的状况。

Maybe ignorance really is bliss. Numb isn't such a bad thing after all.

Maybe there wasn't even a war to start with, because I've always been on the losing end.

Maybe, just maybe, this is the reason why they all left at that point in time.

The moment you start losing more and more, the tighter you start to grab what's left.

The tighter you grab, the faster it breaks.

Only when you feel the shock, then you realized it's too late to salvage.

Didn't this happened once before? Isn't this going in a continuous, never-ending loop?

**********

Maybe I didn't really need an anchor...

Maybe all I needed was someone to show me what freedom was really like...

Overlaps

2011-11-28T11:19:00.001-08:00

100th post... To think I came up with so much crap over the past few months.

**********

I need an anchor...

戻れない戻らない　帰る場所はもうない

**********

Was scanning through some old messages while clearing my twitter DMs... And saw this phrase "Do I make sense?"

This sem, I seem to be saying this a lot.

Younger, I would say something, which I thought made perfect sense to me, but turned out to be senseless to others. And in the end, whatever I say, gets pushed away.

As I grew older, it became harder to communicate.

Written wise, it's plain old emotionless words.

I didn't want to lose the ability to communicate through my spoken words too.

Therefore, I chose to work harder on my words and my ideas, my train of thoughts, but seems like, as I grow older, you don't need words anymore...

過ちを犯し

2011-11-28T10:54:00.001-08:00

Indeed as I thought it should be. It all falls into place now that I look back.

Whatever I felt before, still remains. So...it wasn't the exams stress.

Somehow, I knew that it never was the exams...(since when am I stressed about exams anyways!?!)

But I refused to acknowledge it... And I forced myself to live in denial.

On the way to Sengkang, and on the way to school, I felt it so strongly, so pressurizing. I couldn't even breathe for a long time...

It's not that I didn't try. But I failed. So... I tried to do it "my" way. And I guess this is like a taboo.

I wonder where did the puppet strings came from.

And why did my wall of defense break down so uselessly just now.

Void

2011-11-27T05:21:00.001-08:00

11月23日

听着歌，看着街景、还有路上的灯饰，它似乎有了自己的生命不断地自己流下来。

似乎，有点明白了，弄清楚这一个多月来的灰暗。

原来，当我张开双手的时候，我手里什么都没抓住。

原来，我也害怕＂不＂这个字。

原来，我一直这么固执，顽强，并不是没有原因的。

原来，到最后，一确都变回纯白色的四方角, I didn't actually believed in anything.

还没弄清楚为什么什么都没抓住，所以先不多说。只是有很强烈的边缘感。

或许是因为这样，所以选择不去说，不去做。

就因为是水做的，没有那花瓶，就会变得不堪一击。而没有人可以为你打造一个坚硬的瓷碗。

「きっと誰もが愛を守る為だった」但原来，我并没有信念，没有这么一个人，也没什么好争取的。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

11月27日

最近，想起了很多的「为什么」。

特别的一个是，想起了为什么我会开始戴耳机听音乐…

有些不想听到的东西，就这样，随着音乐的奏起，消失了。

甚至到了一个，不戴耳机，也听不到的境界了。

但那并不代表它不存在。

就跟感觉一样，有时候，不想去体会的，就不把它当一回事。

但，隐隐约约的，它一直就这么的困扰着我。

脱掉耳机的这一段日子，把一切都带回来了。

是时候，扒开泥土，挖个洞，又把它们埋起来了。把身上的泥土擦掉，画个浓妆，回到麻木的日子吧。但，做得到吗？

i'm still very confused. as to what it actually is...

2011-11-25T03:57:00.001-08:00

This semester, I gained a lot, and I lost a lot.

Admittedly, I lost more than I gained, qualitatively speaking.

Tried different ways and means to change things, but seems like I'm stuck.

And now, I don't know the way forward...

脱离现实...

2011-11-22T00:08:00.001-08:00

完全是这种感觉。

**

“風が冷たい、私だけ寒い。”

この世界は　灰色の四角になる。怖いです、受け止めない。ここから逃げたい。

嗯，就是这种感觉。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

＃1：微微的感觉到，那 0％经过一番努力，有了 10％。但它离那 100％还好远，而我不知道怎么办。但在那一下下，有那 10％，原来我已经觉得足够了。好想对你说，不用勉强。

＃2：有话，不能说。等吧，只有等。

＃3：

＃4：咳得越来越严重，好烦啊。

＃5：她对我说过，什么是“放下”。她也说过：“很难…” … 原来，真的很难。

＃6：What's that feeling? Hmmm... it's haunting... and I'm terrified of it. I warned myself against it, I was warned against it, and yet I fell for it.

Serve me right you say, which I agree. Serve me right. But I will fight it, though I don't know if I have the strength or courage to.

＃7：知道她一天一天的好起来，欣慰。但知道她每一天都面对着同样的烦恼，忧心。

＃8：曾经尝试积极面对每个人，每件事，每一天。但最后手里仅仅能紧紧握着的就只有那几条纤细的线。值得吗？

＃9：好想考试他妈的快点过。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

Been tied up to the point where I haven't been able to write properly, and refused to publish a post that isn't... logical.

Irrational.

家 . 教 .

2011-11-13T21:31:00.001-08:00

每每有人对我做一件事的时候，我会问自己：“为什么他这么做？能得到什么？有什么阴谋？”
然后，接受的让他伤害。

每每我对别人做一件事的时候，我会问自己：“他会开心吗？我这么做，对吗？是应该的吗？”
然后，接受的伤害自己。

不成对比的 Double Standard.
妈妈小时候教我，这叫礼貌。
长大了，被我叫做：懦弱没用的 Double Standard.
因为害怕，因为懦弱，所以才会这么想。
很多时候，这份懦弱，变成了愚蠢。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

习惯了，被视为 “负担”。
你活得像个 “负担”，虽然没人曾这么想过。
你相信你是个“负担”，逼使每个人都这么觉得。
你害怕了，便将所有人都视为 “负担”。
而我，就是你们眼里最明显的 “负担”。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

And to think, I can't even say it here clearly anymore. I think I may need to migrate soon...

＊＊＊＊＊[Edits]＊＊＊＊＊

A while back, "it" woke up. Because I found something that I really wanted to hold on to... but that aside..

"it" was so strong, for a period of time, that I was a little afraid...
though I know it's nothing wrong, it's just a matter of perception, of seeing things and observation, and sensing.

These few days... stress overwhelmed "it".
"I"'m back. Numb.

What was once dark and empty, hard and solid, became so bright and shiny, so soft and so... tender? I don't know. But it's going back again. It's fading away.

Every time i try to keep faith, the same voice tells me it's all going to end where it first started.

Help me. just help me... to stay awake. I just want to hold on to it, for that little moment more. I'm shivering every time I think of how it would go. I'm afraid.

心 . 事 .

2011-11-12T23:42:00.001-08:00

忘れ事もできる
忘れずにいる事もできる
けれど…
忘れられない事がある

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

风未动，旗未动，是人的心在动。
没有疼的爱，不是真爱，我怎能不疼呢？

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

为什么你一定要逼我这么做，这么说呢？
为什么你一定要经过这些你才会明白呢？

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

原来我们每一个都这么的自私，包括我自己。
只视乎谁比较没那么自私罢了。

2011-11-12T23:23:00.001-08:00

Running a major fever and sore throat now. Praying so hard to get better soon though the pain running through the upper half of my body and the numbness in the lower half isn't helping me to sleep at all.

逆

2011-11-11T09:13:00.001-08:00

那种感觉，好辛苦。
好像不能呼吸。
又坐立不安。

又到了这个时节，字不成句。

The night sky is so painfully beautiful...

不惑

2011-11-10T07:35:00.001-08:00

今天，破戒了。冷不防的来了，自己也吓了一跳，有点不知所措，要停又停不了... 虽然知道是怎么一回事，但是不想去接受。就是不想。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

郁闷，冰冷，伤痛，转而开朗。
我的心情，随着肌肤上的感觉改变。

郁闷的空气，让我想逃避，将一切都压迫下去。
异常冰冷的冷气，令我呆呆的失去知觉，一如往常的麻痹。
温暖的感觉，提醒我还有很多个明天，但我必须先过自己这一关。
今夜的月亮，很圆很亮，似乎令我豁然开朗，但它却带不走任何东西。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

ここに伝えたいことも話したいことも
こんなにたくさん残したままで…

なな . 七 .

2011-11-09T09:47:00.000-08:00

花了很长的时间来写这篇日志，曾经想放弃，但还是坚持了下来。

七。一直想用它来作主题，毕竟它一直在脑海里浮现，又不想让它变成一件出其意料的事，最终令自己不快，所以决定用它，写出七件一直没能写出来、却在心里不断廻响的事情。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

《一》

梦醒后，睁开双眼。
四周的颜色似乎比上次梦醒后更强烈。
很分明。
但也很恐怖。
一般的人，看到的是一幅画。
我看到的，却是颜色。
而大部分都是红色，黑色，还有幽幽的深海洋蓝。
让我很想再次逃入沉睡。
但我很害怕，闭上双眼后，再也看不到其他的颜色了。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

《二》

We had a routine.
And I tore it up with my own bare hands.
Now we can't go back anymore.
There's this silent code between us. Non-trespassing.
I wonder what changed.

A friend once left me, along with many others with him,
simply because he couldn't accept the change I underwent.
And we broke it off. Clear and simple.
No contact from that point onwards.
Just awkwardness when it's necessary to see each other on occasions.

But with you, things can't be the same.
I wonder what will happen on that day.
When the next stage comes, what will I do?

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

《三》

The noise has been going on since the start of this semester.
Every week, punctually, it starts.
And every week, I successfully ignored it. Suppressing it.

But this week, I failed.
My threshold just disintegrated.
Because I find no reason in maintaining it.

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

《四》

十一个月了。
我穿了它十一个月了。
也代表我认输了十一个月了。
我败了。

一年零三个月了。
那种无能为力的感觉，
已经不再出现了。

但，我这辈子，都被它绑住了。
嗯，一辈子。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

《五》

原来，我要的，就那么简单。
简单得，让我有点想笑。

但为什么，这种简单，
却那么的难？

“重新整装出发吧”
每天如此的告诉自己。

但，没一天做得到。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

《六》

有些人说这是细心。
但，你解释得了吗？

至少我解释不了。

有些人说我很聪明。
你，真的那么觉得吗？

至少我不这么想。

要如何摆脱？
像是一双不合脚的鞋，
擦得皮肤红肿起疱了。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

《七》

Thank you for being my constant. ずっと永遠に。

２％ . 白い .

2011-11-08T05:25:00.001-08:00

人間はコワイ物けれど、君の存在は私生きるの意味だ。

＊＊＊＊＊

I was pissed. Not angry though. It's a petty matter after all.

My smile does not mean my "No" isn't from the bottom of my heart.

Just how much reliance can you put on someone else, before the other translates it into stress and starts breaking like a doll?

Cheers, when you realize you could have done it too.

＊＊＊＊＊

And in the end I did not ask the question I wanted to.

Probably it's the fatigue that's riding u head.

But I couldn't form the right words.

I never could...

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

Been listening to "forgiveness" a lot recently.

Maybe I will bring it to class on Sunday, that is if I have not truly understood it by then...

缺 . 无憾

2011-11-07T08:26:00.000-08:00

時々、そんな感じがある。

"そうですか？変じゃない？ほんとに　それだけ？つよくで？まじ？信じられない…"と思う。

そう。あの時も。十年後も "それだけ？"をおもうだ。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

実は、this kind of feeling is damn familiar.

I don't feel upset or what, just a little sian, and a little angst as to why I allowed myself to deteriorate to this stage. I need to pick myself up again.

Efficiency. Come back to mama.

**********

F la... there's Singlish, I think I've invented Sipanese in my mind lor.

两个人…

2011-11-06T09:10:00.000-08:00

喜欢。

就是很强烈的喜欢。

不是男女之间那种关系的喜欢。

而是，想拼了命去保护的喜欢。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

问题似乎越来越多了。

从痛，慢慢演变成苦了。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

好，入正题了。这个小小的思维路线，是由一个朋友无意间的一句真心对话引起的。

她说了什么，我就不在这里写下来了。但她让我发现，原来我失去了勇气。

小时候的懵懂，让这些成年后的问题变得不是问题，而是一种理所当然。

随着岁月的增长，很多事变得不可理喻，很多所谓的经验让我们步步为营，很多的人让我们觉得知心只是锁碎的事。而科技的日新月异，也让我们停下了小时候不断迈进的脚步，只因为我们觉得它能代替它。

这么多年来，我是不是问自己：“为什么？”、“我做错了什么？”、“究竟是不是真的是如此，如此简单而已？”

但我没有答案。不经以发现答案的时候，已经太迟了。

有一段时候，感觉很迷茫。现在也一样。她的一言，道破了我心里的愧疚，也道破了我这么多年来的疑惑。她的一言，原先让我不堪，令我我忿忿不平，但也因此给了我力量，让我决定走下去。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

管他的。人生才多长。我没那个他妈的时间去想那么他妈的多事情。反正我有可能随时都会改变观点。与其不做而后悔，倒不如做尽了再去后悔。

もしも一つの願いが叶うなら、何が欲しい？

2011-11-04T08:49:00.000-07:00

I'm amazed at how you can tell lies with a straight face.
At how you can act innocent when you are not so at all.

I wonder what are your true thoughts and your intentions.
Are they too ugly to be explored?

Is that why you don't look at yourself in the mirror without your make-up on?
Is that why you take off your specs when your make-up is off?

Stay real. You told yourself that, once.
Have you forgotten?
You once thought black was cool.
Now you question, "Just how much darkness can you tolerate?"

War and destruction
Crime and desire
But I wanted only keep my love

Every cardinal sin
Every immoral deed
But I was holding on for my love

痛みなら、どうすればいい？

2011-11-03T10:18:00.001-07:00

I don't know why, but I'm really excited to be going...

To sleep.

Despite the stress...

:D

<3 & p's ← happy guessing what this means!

うみが

2011-11-02T11:00:00.000-07:00

Fell asleep on her again. And unknowingly slept for damn long.

Yet I was awake the whole time. I heard sounds. Lockers closing. Heels clicking on the floor. Her humming 4 sounds.

But my brain was just, dreaming off, and my limbs were uncontrollably limp.

Just can't wait for Saturday to pass. Maybe post-Saturday, all this will end?

**********

This little episode at work gave me a little thinking assignment.

Why did she think I needed to rely on others to do it? Since that didn't work out, why don't I try it out hands-on and learn from there?

Does it mean that when there's someone you can rely on, you should rely on that person?

Then again, maybe I've let you relied on my a little too much.

**********

Friend told me I'm very mature, knew a lot of things, experienced a lot of things, and admired the fact that I handle things so calmly.

Mind tells me I'm just to tired and lazy to handle these things in a uptight manner. They just ain't worth the effort.

And I'm not mature.

I'm damn fucking childish and I know it.

No matter how strong I try to be, I know I'm a fucking useless being inside.

畸

2011-11-01T09:54:00.000-07:00

There's so much noise playing in my mind.

I plugged in my in-ears, cover it with my headphones, and blast the music to the max volume.

But the sound in my mind seems to overwhelm anything else physical.

So I'll just try to piece it out and see if it makes any sense at all.

**********

I: (Edit)
Friend said it's scary that I can guess things right.
I find it scary too.
Something's seriously wrong with me.

**********

II:

Friend asked me today, "Are you stressed?"
My head tells me, "Yes I am."
Logic tells me, "No I'm not."
Analysis tells me, "Yes, you are, but it's not the stress you should be getting, because it belongs to that someone else, yet it's imposed on you."
Final answer, "Hur hur, o wells."

**********

III.
Even after one whole semester it still gets on my nerves.
Does it make things easier to speak your words through other people's mouth.

**********

IV.
It's new, and I'm approaching it cautiously. Yet I'm still as callous as ever.
It's more than what F, X, H and C gave me, and that's why I cherish it so much. Or at least I want to cherish it so much.
Yet I'm a little scared. I feel insecure.
And I'm taking a step back now.
When the first pang of dread stuck me just now, I realize this may have been going too swiftly.

**********

V.
I need to sleep. But I can't.
Am I being too uptight?
But if I let go, I'll become who I was the past few semesters.
But if I don't, am I even going anywhere with this?

**********

VI.
Who's to say right or wrong.
I may think I'm right, she may think you are right, you may think she's wrong.
At the end of the day, isn't it just that little common phrase my friend like to say, "开心就好"
And yet I go through this stupid questions everyday, seeking answers.
What was I expecting?

观点

2011-10-31T09:37:00.000-07:00

It's annoying when I'm told that I have to try to like someone.

Even though that person simply gets on my nerve.

It's a chore to try to see everyone as nice, and treat everyone nicely as best as possible.

Yeah, fuck, I have a bad attitude and I'm mean.

But when you say no, just how sure can you be?

How much guilt do you feel after that?

It makes me uncomfortable when people tell me I'm smart.

Or that I look smart.

Underneath the superficial, there's nothing at all.

It's even tiring for me to talk non-stop, despite me doing it all the time.

Because I just can't seem to bring my point across.

When I look back at what you used to say, and what you are saying now,

Talk... is indeed cheap.

いくつの嘘を　私に言った？

**********

Fell asleep during Accounting Theory class today.

Dead asleep during the morning class, light sleep during the second one.

First time I entered deep sleep during class time. Not an awesome experience at all, especially when the headache and dizziness binds you like a fly.

Despite all these - the angst, the lack of energy, the bad attitude, I do feel... peaceful. Not happy.

Disturbing thoughts are still there to stay, but it doesn't mean that I can't smile.

At least, the fatigue washed out all the unnecessary thoughts in my mind. To say what I say, without thinking twice. To do what I want, without restricting myself.

Just controlled by the basic "needs" and "want".

遠くからの声…

2011-10-30T07:48:00.000-07:00

蓝色的小橡胶圈
显出一道不可跨越的界限
越是绷得紧
越是弹开你
我们是怎么走到此

很羡慕我和你
之间的关系
就让一切照旧
般地继续

红色的小橡胶圈
让右边冷却了
但心脏依然跳动
让曾经的警讯
迴响于耳边

两个颜色的交响曲
让「结束」感觉像是要开始了
让我和你的距离拉近了
却让我们之间的距离变远了

两个颜色的交融
让「开始」有了一个结局
让我和你的距离变远了
却让我们之间的距离拉近了

给我一个谱。
告诉我，我们是如何
走向我们的结局的。
我们又该如何
走向我们的结局。
-30/10/2011 8.22pm

そう、大切だったのは交わす言葉の数じゃなかった、目を合わせることです…

**********

It is weird. Precisely because you can feel it really deeply and strongly, knowing.

It's ringing in your mind. And it comes right out when you are absolutely off-guard.

Weird because I'm not supposed to know. Weird because how did I know.

Maybe it's wrong? But who's to say right or wrong?

More to say, does it feel right? Are you unhappy about it?

Or is there even a measure?

**********

Now I know why I wear make-up everyday.

あたしじゃ…

2011-10-29T07:41:00.000-07:00

Living in denial. Because I can't accept it.

I don't hate you. No... I really don't. I just hate this feeling. This feeling that you give me, and I can't seem to push it away.

No matter how nonchalant I try to be, my heart's feeling it differently.

Sometimes, I really don't know my limits. Not in the good sense.

Sometimes, I really wonder how far am I going to test myself.

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

遠くから聞こえてきているわ
もうすぐでほら終わりが始まる
真っ直ぐに受け止めていくわ
私のこの左側で
同情なんかはいらないわ
- count down

他の人々の為をない。じびんにいって。

それは、嘘だ。

弱くな顔が大嫌い。

目の前は真ん白な四角だ…そして、真ん中は黒、ゆっくりで　外に伸び…

怖いじゃ、不安だ。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

人，有时候，会因为别人不经意地、习以为常的举止行为而感到不开心。

别人说这是想太多。

的确。或许。可能。

而我，选择不去多想。

不似⋯

2011-10-27T05:29:00.000-07:00

Facial foam, toner, essence, moisturizer, eye cream, sun block, base, primer, concealer, foundation, blush, mascara, eye liner, eyeshadow, eye brow powder, lip balm, lip gloss, loose powder.

Etched in my mind.

But beneath all these...

There's nothing.

☆

Had a little rest, and some good food.

At the expense of my To-Dos and proj work.

But I regained some things.

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

Still sibeh giddy.

ドキドキ…

2011-10-26T07:13:00.000-07:00

ぎゅっとしてみたり

じんとしたり
しゅんとしたり
またぎゅっとしてみたり
しゃんとしたり
つんとしたり

いくつもの私をあなたは知っている

−　浜崎あゆみ　「ourselves」

It's a vicious cycle. It's an addiction.
This is a bottomless pit, and I jumped into it.

眷恋…

2011-10-25T22:35:00.000-07:00

这么多天以来，昨天第一天吃午餐。

哈，听起来好怪。但，对我来说，却是种陌生的熟悉。

曾经曾经，这是我每天不可或缺的麻醉药。

以为我已经忘了。原来，没忘。

但至少现在的我，不痛了。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

我知道有一天，我必须放手。

那一天的到来，我不知道我会怎么想。

但至少这会是一段回忆。

也只希望，那天的到来，他会是幸福的。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

我有太多把不必要的钥匙了。

但这一扇门，我没有钥匙。

つまんない

2011-10-23T11:21:00.000-07:00

I was asked why did I remove myself from Facebook.

"Just remove lor" was the answer I gave.

Raised eyebrows was the reaction I was given.

Frankly speaking, I'm forced to log in to FB once in a while, be it cause of some stupid games I'm playing on my phone, or to check the dates of friend's birthday.

But apart from that FB is more a hassle to me than anything else.

People used it to spy on me, track my life, judge me.

My old school friends look at my photos and think they know the 'me' now.

My family use it to see how I'm doing, whether I'm going anywhere off track.

I receive 'Happy Birthday' well wishes from random people who only noticed it's my birthday on FB and not because it was remembered.

And I use it for... Nothing.

After that day I saw him, I was even more sure that FB was useless. It could have protected me, it didn't.

懒...

2011-10-23T07:19:00.001-07:00

不想理它。

但它一直来烦我。

吵死了。

**********

It was a good day today.

Was.

After that, I heaved a huge sigh of relief.

But rainbows and sunshine don't happen on the same time.

昨日…

2011-10-22T09:55:00.000-07:00

だから、「Heaven」もう　歌うことができない。

実は、理由がありません。感じが消えただけ。

でも、努めるしよ。

今天，

因为有「至少」和「庆幸」，

所以，

有了「明天」。

明日…

2011-10-22T05:32:00.000-07:00

全てが終わります。

最後まで、「ありがとう」言えなかった。

最後まで、「心配した、ごめんね」言えなかった。

最後まで、「心配です」言えなかった。

该不该理它呢？

最后决定。不该。

2011-10-21T10:20:00.001-07:00

I realised... what I said earlier was wrong.

It wasn't that there wasn't a need to say certain things.

But it was more like... words, will never be enough. And I know we both understand.

Whine-y

2011-10-21T09:05:00.001-07:00

Disgusted with my whininess.

But I know I need to indulge. For just a while more.

強く自分を戻る前に...

To...

2011-10-20T19:55:00.001-07:00

Yesterday night was a difficult night. I am sure my head really split into two and my stomach now has a hole.

Even though the torture has went on for so long, and will go on longer.

It's becoming like 3 years ago.

The same emotions. The same fear.

I need to detach myself again.

きっと強く自分はもうだめ…

True

2011-10-20T10:07:00.001-07:00

抹去黑暗后，剩下的是否是净洁的纯白?

**********

颤抖。

不停的颤抖。

因为害怕。

不是生气、

不是压力、

只是纯粹的害怕。

Heaven...

2011-10-20T08:21:00.001-07:00

今天，「自律」、「恐惧」、「逃避」与「不安」不断地上演着四角战争。

最终，「自律」输了...

**********

最终，冷漠地把落地窗关起。

最後の舞…

2011-10-19T11:43:00.000-07:00

寒冷的夜晚，反而令我觉得更加温暖。

天生孤僻，习惯了冰冷。

太阳东升，只让我感到害怕。

害怕新的一天。害怕改变。害怕…孤独。

但今晚，有了微笑。

不是我的。

但足够了。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

回想起这两个星期，原来所有的所有，都从那天开始。

那天开始，决定了。

但原来，那个决定是错的。

心里不好受，因为连累大家了。

心里不好受，因为愧疚。

心里不好受，因为这一切都是我的错。

我没事，只是很内疚。

不知，内疚了之后，是否会学乖。

抑或，依然往下沉迷？

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

ああ、いつか永遠の眠りにつく日まで
どうかその笑顔が絶え間なくある様に

日曜日

2011-10-19T00:03:00.001-07:00

决定了⋯

「亲人」&「Heaven」

给你（们）

Though at the bottom of my heart...

2011-10-18T11:01:00.001-07:00

I can feel something wrong.

My sixth sense/instincts are so accurate I wish I can use them for a living instead.

我很庆幸…

2011-10-18T09:37:00.000-07:00

我挽留了一份友谊。

那一步，我可能失去一个朋友。

但，她没有舍弃我。

谢谢你（们）。

颤抖的手…

2011-10-18T09:36:00.000-07:00

无法写出好的文字字句。

颤抖的声音，

无法唱出曼妙的乐曲。

不知何故，

我的手，

不停地抖。

就连部落格的篇章，

也写不好。

感觉…

很像一只受了伤的动物，

只想独自躲在僻暗的角落，

舔着自己的伤口，

祈祷着它快点好起来。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

最后，

剩下的，

还是空虚。

只是，

这次，

有了无助，

和迷失

作伴。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

一片简短的简讯，

三十分钟的礼物，

已经足够洗涤这一场大雨残留下来的一切了。

所有的寒冷，闷热，一扫而空。

我只能，默默地，

打从心底，

谢谢你。

谢谢你，

在如此莫名其妙的一刻，

收留了一颗，

流离失所的心。

10月18日

无言以对

2011-10-18T05:40:00.000-07:00

我知道，

我现在，

让人误解，

让人厌。

就任人误解吧。

可悲的是，

如此一来，

两份友谊，

同一时间都瞬间消失了。

雨だ…

2011-10-17T23:24:00.000-07:00

冷たい。そして、蒸し暑い。

10月17日

2011-10-17T09:52:00.000-07:00

今天，不停地哭。

就连唱着唱着，也哭了。

歌断断续续的，心里的旋律也一直被打断。

一直以来，都很感激。自己所拥有的一切，已经很多很多了。

看似美满，但其实，每一颗美满之中，都隐藏着美中不足。

这几天，没发生什么大事，没失恋，也没恋爱。

平平静静。

但许许多多的小事，扯得我心烦。

每一样走运。好似我这辈子的运气都快用尽了。

但在每一件倒霉事中，我都仔细地从中找出那一点点的侥幸。

我想休息了。

我好想有个人，能站在我的角度。

我好想有个人，不用吻我，只抱着我。

我好想有个，亲人。

我真的，很希望，就这么一次，给与拥抱的不是我。

2 words...

2011-10-16T10:12:00.001-07:00

are lashing out non-stop this moment.

Pek Cek.

无眠无泪

2011-10-15T21:57:00.001-07:00

10月15日，夜。

原来寂寞一直都没离开。

在一片欢笑声中，它是一张熟悉的面孔。

在宁静的夜里，它是唯一的伴侣。

2011-10-15T20:46:00.001-07:00

I really dislike talking to you.

Just stop talking please. Stop talking.

听着歌⋯

2011-10-15T06:59:00.001-07:00

10月15日

而后随着音乐唱了出来⋯但，唱得很难听⋯或许是因为分神了吧。随着歌词，发人深省，哭了。明天又要是坚强的一天。

短暂…

2011-10-14T12:34:00.000-07:00

今天一整天，心情都差透了。

其实这整个星期，心情都很糟糕。

但今天，我沉默，因为哀悼。

哀悼，因为努力正式于2011年10月14日，中午12：30，逝世了。

那一刻，我，失控了。

但那一刻，我把持住了。

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

昨天忘了写下这一小篇感想，现在补写…

休息，是为了走更长远的路。

两天前，下班后的我，淋着雨，穿过挤满人群的街道，进入闷热的地下通道，快速地赶上了归途的班车。

下车后，又穿越拥挤的人群，看见自己要搭的巴士，就快到站了。不止一辆，而是两辆。

已经大汗淋漓的我，左手拿着包包，右手拿着大袋子，半残废的快速奔向车站。

但最终也赶不上。

到了巴士站，一阵虚脱。

看看下班车的时间，还有15分钟，便一屁股坐在了巴士站附近的椅子。

擦了擦汗，突然，所有的闷热心烦，一股烟丝的消失了。

只觉得夜风轻轻地吹，原来是如此惬意地。

回想刚刚辛苦挣扎了那么旧，不但无所回报，还弄得两头不靠岸。

努力，固然好，也要适时地休息。

努力，固然好，也不要太执著。

The feeling...

2011-10-14T11:03:00.001-07:00

of guilt just now.

For that moment, that long yet short-lived moment, I couldn't speak.

The feeling...

of anger this morning.

For that moment, no words could sprout.

Hours of hard work...

2011-10-14T05:06:00.001-07:00

went down the drain just like that.

And I can't blame anyone.

But myself for not being as good.

Or so.

I realize..

2011-10-13T11:00:00.001-07:00

There's a gap between me n my friends already.

不_睡

2011-10-13T10:50:00.001-07:00

并不是不想睡，也不是不能睡。

但比起朋友所需要的，睡变得没那么重要了。

下雨天…

2011-10-13T09:30:00.000-07:00

下雨天了怎么办 我好想你
不敢打给你 我找不到原因
什么失眠的声音
变得好熟悉
沉默的场景 做你的代替
陪我听雨滴

期待让人越来越沉迷
谁和我一样
等不到他的谁
爱上你我总在学会
寂寞的滋味
一个人撑伞 一个人擦泪
一个人好累

怎样的雨 怎样的夜
怎样的我能让你更想念
雨要多大
天要多黑 才能够有你的体贴

其实 没有我你分不清那些
彻别 接近还能多一些
别说你会难过
别说你想改变
被爱的人不用道歉

有很多…

2011-10-13T08:56:00.000-07:00

感想。希望在我未忘之前我能把它们全写下来…

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

害怕。

害怕去关心。

今天，读了很多朋友们写的 Tweets… 写下短讯想回复他们的时候，却无法按下 “reply” 键。

因为…

怕。

过多的关心是累赘。

所以…

收手了。

我也有这样的时刻。

你呢？

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

前两天下班后，一阵说不出的感觉。

中午上班时的街景，与傍晚下班后的街景是如此不一样的。

人也会变。

不可否认，

我变了，

我会改变，

但我也未必会变。

现时的一对好友，十年后会怎样？

…

还记得一阵子前，对一位朋友说：“管他十年，最重要是珍惜眼前人。”

但是不是就只是这么简单呢？

＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊＊

男人…

我的天敌。

我很少跟他们和得来。

或许是小时阴影，一直都摆脱不了。

对于他们，我的态度是：女人 > 男人

所以，我的男性朋友，又保持联络的，或许用一只手就数得出来。

没联络但关系尚算好的，数字还算可观吧。

男人阿男人。有你们是厌烦，没你们，我们烦什么呢？

Sometimes...

2011-10-12T08:38:00.000-07:00

I wonder...

そこから見る　あたしの姿はどんな風に映っていますか。
こんなこんな　偽りだらけの日々を笑い飛ばして下さい

It's becoming a natural thing...

2011-10-12T06:15:00.000-07:00

to have headaches, gastric pangs, heel pains everyday now.

And adding on to the list these few days is stomach ache, and shoulder strain.

Severe shoulder strain.

God, this is more than just PMS. I seriously need to get my body fixed somehow or another.

And soon. Before it all crumples and fail.

In the mood...

2011-10-12T05:52:00.001-07:00

For music-making again...

But there are too many things on hand right now...

Shall wrap things up as quickly as I can and do what I do best =P

心

2011-10-11T09:00:00.000-07:00

感动。

读到朋友过去的一篇日志。

心里反反复复地。

今天，在一次让我感觉到友谊。

一体のどの位の時間を　共に過ごして来たんだろう
一体のどの位の距離を　共に進んだだろう

僕達がこれまでに残して来た
完璧じゃなくともキラキラした
結晶が今ここに誇らしげに
輝き放っている

让我的声音，为她唱一次吧。

昨晚…

2011-10-11T05:04:00.000-07:00

的空虚，并没有就这样的离开。

它还在。

或许，它的背后，隐藏的只有期待，期待着失望的到来。

唱下去…

2011-10-11T04:42:00.000-07:00

并不只是因为喜欢而已。

而是因为我需要一种表达方式。

很多事，我都无法自由地发出心中感想。或许是因为不想伤人，也或许是因为不想失去任何一段人与人之间的感情。

所以…

歌，对我来说很重要。

无需有天籁之音，只求让自己的心得到解放。

今夜…

2011-10-10T09:06:00.000-07:00

又是一阵空虚…

或许空虚的背后，就是失望与期望…

累了，不想了，晚安…

Love Song...

2011-10-09T21:36:00.000-07:00

この歌の歌詞　心に響きます。

愛のない人生なんて　そんなの生きる自信ない
夢のない人生なんて　そんなの想像したくない
歌のない人生なんて　そんなの検討もつかない
譲れない思いがなけリャ　
つまんない
意味がない
そんなんじゃない　

守りたい物がありますか？
守り抜けるか不安ですか

傷ついてボロボロの
あなただから強さしいってる

大事な人がいますか？
その人を大事にできてますか？

失ってしなう前に
優しくぎゅっと抱きしめて

无语…

2011-10-09T18:45:00.000-07:00

有些字，有些句，发人深省，令人惭愧。

有些话，有些言语，说不出，也不能说。

这几天

2011-10-09T09:19:00.000-07:00

常常乱发脾气… 各种原因掺于PMS之中…

昨晚，又发了一场很大的脾气…

睡前，满脑子是不忿的想法，但心一平静下来，一颗泪水不知不觉的从眼角流了下来，划过了脸颊。

是热的。泪痕是灼热的。

即使眼里的泪水都干了，那条泪痕，仍然在我脸颊上炽热灼烧着。

今朝醒来，虽然昨晚只流了那么一滴眼泪，但眼睛有比哭了整晚一般的肿了…

Jester

2011-10-07T19:04:00.001-07:00

どうして時々、優しくなれない？どうして時々、こんなに苦しい？

On a joking note, I guess it refers to my headache.

On a non-joking note, "Because of you" refer to so many people.

RED LINE ~ for TA ~

2011-10-07T10:38:00.001-07:00

「涙をたった一つだけの祈り変えた　僕らがあの日のあの瞬間に見た奇跡は幻じゃない。」

そう、これはRED LINE ~ for TA ~の歌詞。今まで、すっと解らない。今、解った。

あの夢中に見た事　現実になるが欲しい。好きだから。忘られないから。

**********

Been blogging a lot. Been feeling a lot.

Some of the posts here don't make sense. Because I was just writing out the exact words that my heart was telling me to, unprocessed by Mr. Brain.

**********

Been singing less. But everytime I sing, I can feel it stronger.

I'm shaking when I'm singing.

I'm tearless when I'm singing.

I'm crying when I'm singing.

Because there are so many things that I want to do, so many path that I wanted to choose.

None came true because I lacked the courage.

同じ空下の君、今　どこ？　今　元気？　今　幸せと聞かせる？

Yea... It's freaking me out

2011-10-06T10:23:00.000-07:00

That my pageview jumped by 5 within the last 2 hours.

I might be able to make a tidy profit with this kind of view count lor!

Please leave me a message in the tagboard if you are reading cause... I'm freaking out... -.-

**********

I'm thankful..

Thankful for the many friends that I have.

Post Tohoku Earthquake, the question popped up: "What is the one thing you will absolutely need, if all else has to be given up?"

Well, I probably need more than one (given my princess-like living habits -.-) but aside from truth and trust, I really need friends.

Real friends.

It sounds weird to praise myself, saying that I'm a very sociable person when there are tonnes of people out there in the world whom I've never met (nor come to like), but I do give credit to myself for knowing more than a thousand people by name (yes counting from kindergarten).

But of which, the people whom I trust, the people who trusts me, the people whom I believe, and the people who believes in me, can be counted with just the fingers on my hands.

Yet, I'm grateful.

These are the people whom I know will stay with me as I cry without saying a single word, who will smile with me when I'm happy.

These are the people who will share with me what really goes on in their life. Details, non-details. Who are not afraid of secrets. Who knows no boundaries to secrets.

Yes.

And now, I just need 1 hand.

**********

Somehow, hugging my friend today made me recall the days in secondary school.

Simple show of care and concern with no restrictions, no worries, and not needing to think of how others see of us.

There are some friends whom we just want to hug and tell them that no matter what, there's still that one person who will stand by them.

There are some friends whom we can only stand afar and look to ensure that they are safe and well.

Putting 1 hand and 1 hand together, I guess that makes 2.

**********

Greatful days.

ooo...

2011-10-06T08:37:00.001-07:00

scary...

the number of page views are jumping like crazy, like some evil elf is pressing "ctrl-r" every second...

hur hur...

真的是…

2011-10-05T23:13:00.001-07:00

不能让自己沉默下来…抑或让自己去接触那已残留在心里结痂的伤痕…

因为一旦掀开剧幕，故事就会如默剧般，不断的上演那段封锁已久的回忆。

Yesterday...

2011-10-05T17:26:00.001-07:00

Was a really bad day.

Coupling PMS (where my headache, neck and shoulder strain, leg pain and gastric pain came in a package) with the annoying pesky voice of his and no-water/yellow-water day, I nearly couldnt hold back myself.

Sometimes a mindless comment can change things so much. I wonder whose fault is it, but in the end does it really matter? Just want this meaningless week to pass by as soon as possible.

当你有泰迪小熊了之后，为什么还要奢求芭比娃娃?泰迪小熊又会怎么想呢?

今天…

2011-10-05T10:06:00.000-07:00

我真的唱不出声。

因为每一次以开口，泪水就覆盖了我的歌声。

I really cannot smile...

2011-10-05T08:17:00.001-07:00

I wonder what has changed...

It's always been, "you've got to keep trying, don't stop trying, just try"

But is there a threshold where you stop trying?

I wonder what's become of us.

Many a times today, tears were flowing.

Reasons: Not necessary.

Home. Not home.

心なか…

2011-10-05T07:48:00.001-07:00

言えない事は誰かわかる？

今日は本当によくいいじゃないの日ね…

友達と一緒に楽しいみへ夜ご飯を食べるに行こう、でもどうかも楽しいにならない…

本当に…すまん…

2011-10-04T21:43:00.001-07:00

Shall not rant on Twitter anymore, lest people think I'm a crazy woman who woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Sometimes ignorance is bliss. Learning to appreciate that. Not seeing things to clearly and thoroughly may not be a bad thing.

同じ青空下…

2011-10-04T11:35:00.000-07:00

君といる、大人になる、笑う、涙溢れる…そして、どうか　忘れない、あの日　僕との　約束。

And we all know it will never be realised.

見て見て！

2011-10-04T10:54:00.000-07:00

怖いでしょ？

誰が何度もここに来る？怖いよ！ソースも解らないですから、誰か…助けて？ハハ！

Yea it's freaky. There's like 896 views on my blog, from nowhere, even though my blog is damn new and after tracking my friends' blogs I know none of my friends actually linked me.

Hmm, so where did this mysterious traffic come from? Apparently it includes Russia, Europe and yep, West Coast.

-.-

Exposed my blog on Twitter a few days ago and realized that the number of clicks are not "hay-wired", so can't be my friends right?

Hmmm... I like mysteries... if only 名探偵コナンis here.

-.-

Signs that I'm tired. Nights.

今朝…

2011-10-03T10:06:00.001-07:00

目が覚めた時、涙が止まらない、睫毛も濡れていた…

彼が夢中会った…目を覚めてなかった、苦しいな…

He appeared again. In my dreams.

It's scary, but the feelings r stronger.

I know it's him, but I can't remember his face in my dreams.

And when happy endings are about to happen, i wake up with tears flowing.

And I have no idea why they r there.

I just knew I laid in bed for an hour. Crying silently until my eyes were as small as slits.

And then, I wished I was never awake.

Above Heaven

改变

Departure

Escapism

Pek Cek...

てんごく

New Year

あの日、あなたとの会話…

深く深い…

Every turn of the melody...

forgiveness

缓 . 勿躁

Random

凡事沒有絕對

可以，不代表想。想，不代表可以。

败了…

想太多

喋る

今のこんな時代を受け止められるだろう？

A hand to hold... A heart to believe in...

Overlaps

過ちを犯し

Void

i'm still very confused. as to what it actually is...

脱离现实...

最近…

家 . 教 .

心 . 事 .

逆

不惑

なな . 七 .

２％ . 白い .

缺 . 无憾

两个人…

もしも 一つの願いが叶うなら、何が欲しい？

うみが

畸

观点

遠くからの声…

あたしじゃ…

不似⋯

ドキドキ…

眷恋…

つまんない

懒...

昨日…

明日…

Whine-y

To...

True

Heaven...

最後の舞…

日曜日

Though at the bottom of my heart...

我很庆幸…

颤抖的手…

无言以对

雨だ…

10月17日

2 words...

无眠无泪

听着歌⋯

短暂…

The feeling...

Hours of hard work...

I realize..

不_睡

下雨天…

有很多…

Sometimes...

It's becoming a natural thing...

In the mood...

心

昨晚…

唱下去…

今夜…

Love Song...

无语…

这几天

Jester

もしも一つの願いが叶うなら、何が欲しい？